i don't feel anything. i feel numb. i feel like i am just going with the situation because i have to. i don't know anymore. i don't know how to trust anymore. i don't know what love is anymore. i am nothing.

i am carrying on tho. i am going with the plans cos those are the only sensible things left. going with it without feeling anything towards it. i do not even feel excited about anything anymore. i do not feel excited about going to australia or going to baguio or going to wherever. i do not feel excitement at all.

i am afraid that i will fail your expectations when you come here and you will not take it rightly. that it will only cause you more stress and problems. problems which i do not intend to cause. problems because i cannot be what you want me to be. problems because you cannot accept what i am or what i have become. problems because we kept clinging on to the past when there is nothing anymore.

i am really really scared of seeing you here alone. i am really scared of being with you alone. i don't know if it's a good idea for us to stay alone together in one roof when you get here. right now i do think it's best if we stay in a place where you can be with your other friends, with a lot of other people surrounding you.

i am thinking about how it would feel like to meet you when you get here but i cannot feel anything. no excitement. i feel like i just have to do these to keep my end of the bargain and that's what i am doing. i do feel trapped and i do feel that i will be blamed for everything just like how it usually happens. i feel like i have to take all the blame and i have to be killed for it all.

i don't know anything anymore.

i am selling my camera soon. i am selling my surfboard too. i just want to be far away where i do not know anyone. where i can start fresh without all these things hounding me.

i do not even know if you will take this the right way or stress over this. i am not stressing over right now. i am just stating how i feel like. and i do not know if you will understand. i am guessing you will be hurt so much again. and i am guessing i am to be blamed for it again. when can i be free? can i ever be free?

i am very scared because i feel like i do not own myself anymore. that my soul is being sought after as a trophy. and it is being sought intensely and forcefully even after all the reasonings and different ways that i tried to be free.

when can i say that it is over and you will understand that it is not something to be argued about? when can i say that i needed to reclaim myself without you fighting me over who controls my life? when can i make you understand that i needed to be free once again without you having to resort to those which you have previously resorted to?

when can you realize that there are things that cannot be saved? i only wanted to move freely and i guess i cannot have that without having to be blamed for someone else's decisions about themselves. my price of gaining back my freedom is for someone else to purposely make themselves suffer and put the blame onto me.

is there another way? if so, please tell me.